Dear Massachusetts Republican Party Leadership,

Dear Leaders of the Massachusetts Republican Party,

I am not your friend. I don't belong in your club, and I disagree with 80% of what you have to say. I am generally happy that you have the political impact here of an angry man shouting at city traffic while wearing a dead squirrel for a hat. However, we share the same state, and I am proud to be a Bay Stater, and am generally proud of everything to do with my state, aside from the Boston Bruins, Jon Keller, and you. While I don't care about hockey and think Jon Keller is beyond repair, I do want to tenderly talk to you about what a hilarious pack of losers you all are.

So as a neighbor, please accept my best of intentions when I write to tell you that you're a bunch of morons whose intellectual kin are just coming off flushing Wall Street down the toilet while awaiting the newest Weekend at Bernie's. You received my attention for the first time this month when I read an article that in part said:

The Massachusetts Republican Party announced Friday that it will kick off its Metrowest operation to help John McCain and Sarah Palin win this year's presidential election..."The grassroots support for the McCain-Palin ticket in Massachusetts is overwhelming," said Barney Keller, the party's spokesman. "We've had to open extra offices just to keep up with the flood of people who want real reform in Washington."

The Massachusetts GOP is opening offices in Plymouth and Springfield.

Aside from the Moon, I am hard-pressed to think of a place where a McCain office is less useful than Massachusetts. Now, Mitt Romney never got to the place where he could relish explaining this to you, but most states are winner-take-all in the presidential race, and Massachusetts is one of those. So for whatever effort, money, and talent was used to open the office -- and heaven knows you don't have an overabundance of that last one -- I"m writing to tell you that there simply must be some better use of that money, somewhere.

You also seem unaware that here in Massachusetts we are running an election, which would explain the fact that you've fielded a slate of candidates insufficient in numbers to fill out a crowd scene in a student film. Happily, a small number of masochists have decided to contest a local race as a Republican and you may want to think about giving them a hand.

Because providing a place for the rich and bored to talk about how much they love a man who will get utterly creamed in the Bay State on November 4th is a poor use of limited funds. Since it has been so long since you've genuinely tried to win anything in Massachusetts, I'm providing a list of places that money would be better spent:

• Finding a half-decent write-in candidate for the Second Suffolk district, where a mildly competent operation would be waiting to feast on the opportunity provided by Dianne Wilkerson's desire to go down fighting and take as much of the Democratic Party with her in the process;
• Finding a half-decent write-in candidate for the Middlesex County Register or Probate, where the Democratic candidate withdrew after being caught on camera stealing small change, and 85% of the Democrats of the county are vying to replace him;
• The preservation of the 7 or so Republican state legislators still in office, including the top target for the Democratic Party;
• Outreach to the thousands of Massachusetts voters inside your party still pissed about the Republican Primary;
• Outreach to the thousands of Massachusetts voters outside your party still pissed about the Democratic primary;
• A research trip to London or Tokyo (or Hartford) to learn how not to suck at opposing the governing party;
• Teaching your staffers how to count to 10,000;
• Planning more than two events between today and Election today;
• Finding something to put on the "MassRootsBlogs" section of your website;
• Finding the only guy who actually breathed life into your carcass for a short span of time, and hiring him as a consultant or pallbearer;
• Updating your eyesore of a logo, or at least scrubbing the "entering MassGOP" logo on your website, which sounds like something Larry Craig moans in airport bathrooms;
• Finding a ballot question to get excited about. There's no anti-gay question this year, and question one is so obviously a bad idea that even you hate it...but question two is about weed. You all hate marijuana, right? Why not spend some money on reefer madness commercials to scare some stay-at-home moms? Ohhh...
• Building a website for your only tolerable public face, Senator Ben Tisei, that actually shows up on Google; or
• Teaching town committees how to organize -- there isn't even one in Middleborough, one of the few towns that entertains the notion of voting Republican.

Massachusetts Republican Party, it's just that you're becoming too easily satisfied with incompetence. And while it's fun to dominate the politics of Massachusetts to a degree heretofore thought impossible without the use of a paramilitary it's just not fun for us Democrats anymore. We're getting bored pretending to fight over procedural rubbish and really hope you tire of your self-conducted colonic examination, and remember what you're supposed to be doing.

Love -n- votes,
Sabutai

NB: As Gittle points out, the guy's name is Richard Tisei. Whoops. That's my bad -- and a sign of how anonymous Massachusetts Republicans truly are.