Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Dear Massachusetts Republican Party Leadership,

Dear Leaders of the Massachusetts Republican Party,

I am not your friend. I don't belong in your club, and I disagree with 80% of what you have to say. I am generally happy that you have the political impact here of an angry man shouting at city traffic while wearing a dead squirrel for a hat. However, we share the same state, and I am proud to be a Bay Stater, and am generally proud of everything to do with my state, aside from the Boston Bruins, Jon Keller, and you. While I don't care about hockey and think Jon Keller is beyond repair, I do want to tenderly talk to you about what a hilarious pack of losers you all are.

So as a neighbor, please accept my best of intentions when I write to tell you that you're a bunch of morons whose intellectual kin are just coming off flushing Wall Street down the toilet while awaiting the newest Weekend at Bernie's. You received my attention for the first time this month when I read an article that in part said:
The Massachusetts Republican Party announced Friday that it will kick off its Metrowest operation to help John McCain and Sarah Palin win this year's presidential election..."The grassroots support for the McCain-Palin ticket in Massachusetts is overwhelming," said Barney Keller, the party's spokesman. "We've had to open extra offices just to keep up with the flood of people who want real reform in Washington."

The Massachusetts GOP is opening offices in Plymouth and Springfield.

Aside from the Moon, I am hard-pressed to think of a place where a McCain office is less useful than Massachusetts. Now, Mitt Romney never got to the place where he could relish explaining this to you, but most states are winner-take-all in the presidential race, and Massachusetts is one of those. So for whatever effort, money, and talent was used to open the office -- and heaven knows you don't have an overabundance of that last one -- I"m writing to tell you that there simply must be some better use of that money, somewhere.

You also seem unaware that here in Massachusetts we are running an election, which would explain the fact that you've fielded a slate of candidates insufficient in numbers to fill out a crowd scene in a student film. Happily, a small number of masochists have decided to contest a local race as a Republican and you may want to think about giving them a hand.

Because providing a place for the rich and bored to talk about how much they love a man who will get utterly creamed in the Bay State on November 4th is a poor use of limited funds. Since it has been so long since you've genuinely tried to win anything in Massachusetts, I'm providing a list of places that money would be better spent:

  • Finding a half-decent write-in candidate for the Second Suffolk district, where a mildly competent operation would be waiting to feast on the opportunity provided by Dianne Wilkerson's desire to go down fighting and take as much of the Democratic Party with her in the process;
  • Finding a half-decent write-in candidate for the Middlesex County Register or Probate, where the Democratic candidate withdrew after being caught on camera stealing small change, and 85% of the Democrats of the county are vying to replace him;
  • The preservation of the 7 or so Republican state legislators still in office, including the top target for the Democratic Party;
  • Outreach to the thousands of Massachusetts voters inside your party still pissed about the Republican Primary;
  • Outreach to the thousands of Massachusetts voters outside your party still pissed about the Democratic primary;
  • A research trip to London or Tokyo (or Hartford) to learn how not to suck at opposing the governing party;
  • Teaching your staffers how to count to 10,000;
  • Planning more than two events between today and Election today;
  • Finding something to put on the "MassRootsBlogs" section of your website;
  • Finding the only guy who actually breathed life into your carcass for a short span of time, and hiring him as a consultant or pallbearer;
  • Updating your eyesore of a logo, or at least scrubbing the "entering MassGOP" logo on your website, which sounds like something Larry Craig moans in airport bathrooms;
  • Finding a ballot question to get excited about. There's no anti-gay question this year, and question one is so obviously a bad idea that even you hate it...but question two is about weed. You all hate marijuana, right? Why not spend some money on reefer madness commercials to scare some stay-at-home moms? Ohhh...
  • Building a website for your only tolerable public face, Senator Ben Tisei, that actually shows up on Google; or
  • Teaching town committees how to organize -- there isn't even one in Middleborough, one of the few towns that entertains the notion of voting Republican.

Massachusetts Republican Party, it's just that you're becoming too easily satisfied with incompetence. And while it's fun to dominate the politics of Massachusetts to a degree heretofore thought impossible without the use of a paramilitary it's just not fun for us Democrats anymore. We're getting bored pretending to fight over procedural rubbish and really hope you tire of your self-conducted colonic examination, and remember what you're supposed to be doing.

Love -n- votes,

NB: As Gittle points out, the guy's name is Richard Tisei. Whoops. That's my bad -- and a sign of how anonymous Massachusetts Republicans truly are.


Charley on the MTA said...

Mass. GOP: The Washington Generals of politics.

When they realize that talking like a combination of James Inhofe and Ziggy Subotka doesn't really go over that well in MA, they might start getting some votes.

Gittle said...

You probably couldn't find any websites for "Senator Ben Tisei" because the Senate minority leader's name is Richard Tisei. Just so you know. ;-)

A Google of his name shows a number of sites about him, although he does not have a personal site the way that Brad Jones, the House minority leader, does. However, he does have a typo-filled site dedicated to the entire Republican delegation. Oh well.

Having said that, he may be the "only tolerable public face" to you, but to a lot of the base, he is a poor choice as leader because he is a RINO. Basically, they do not like how he stood idly by while the Senate got away with a voice vote on the repeal of the 1913 law, which he supports. Brad Jones supported the repeal as well, but at least he forced a roll call vote. The perception is that as the only Republican politician from inside 128, he has decided to preserve his future by getting cozy with the machine power brokers. Thus, they believe that the party would be better served with Bob Hedlund, among others, as minority leader (and I would agree with them, at least on Sen. Hedlund).

Speaking of RINOs, a large portion of the base believes that Bill Weld was a RINO as well. Not necessarily because he was booed at the 1992 RNC after he said that he wanted government "out of your wallet and out of your bedroom," but because he continued to enable the establishment, lost the votes to sustain vetoes within two years, got Billy Bulger out of the Senate only by giving him a cushy patronage job, decided he was bored with governing midway through his second term, ran for US Senate against Kerry, and begged Bubba for a job as ambassador. Of course, he never got that job. Thanks, Jesse Helms!

Also, there are still members of the base that supported Steve Pierce in 1990 and haven't gotten over it. Let's not forget that because of what happened in the primaries that year, the Democrat (John Silber) was more conservative than the Republican. That situation has also happened in local state representative races, such as when David Slavitt ran against Tim Toomey in Cambridge.

Either way, it's moot: Pink Floyd's in New York and he's not coming back!

I have some thoughts on your other bullet points; I will get to those soon (I hope).

Also, Charley, I don't see the reference. I'll give you that there are some party members that act like Ziggy, but where and when have there been Bible thumpers who do not believe in the existence of global warming? Just wondering. (As an aside, global warming is a naturally-occurring phenomenon that has been exacerbated to some extent by human behaviour, but the actual extent of this occurrence is debatable. See Michael Crichton's novel State of Fear.)

Quriltai said...


It seems that you're only saying the only way for Republicans such as Tisei or Weld to survive in this state is to be a RINO. I guess the choice is this: tolerate such people in leadership, or give up on the state altogether.

tblade said...

1000 points to Charley for the Sabotka reference.

"The Wire" is the greatest.