Tuesday, June 10, 2008


In the corner of QotS headquarters is the DGAC 4500 Meter. The Doesn't Give A Crap meter is the brainchild of seventeen Kennedy School of Government graduates, five people laid off from Google, a schizophrenic monk who only speaks in rhymes, and our downstairs neighbor. It is housed in the shell of an air conditioner, and has attached a coaxial cable, DSL line, scanner, rudimentary artificial intelligence, and bottle opener. It is powered by wind power.

The first DGAC Meter dates from 1984, when Michael Dukakis was first mentioned as a presidential candidate. Since then, the machinery has gotten more sensitive, and has evolved to consume information in new ways (digital cable, online), provide more nuanced analysis (leading to an overuse of the phrase "on the other hand"), and enhanced sarcasm detection. The current generation, the 4500, was built with $2,000,000 worth of small bills that was meant to rebuild the water supply of a small Iraqi town.

What the DGAC does is analyze news, speeches, and policy to determine the level to which the current governor of Massachusetts Doesn't Give A Crap about his current job. Every time it goes up a level, it emits a rather loud beep. The levels are as follows:

0 : Loves the job; Jane Swift
1 : Likes the job; Dukakis, 1984
2 : Willing to look at the want ads; Celucci, 2000
3 : Pursuing better opportunities; Dukakis, 1986
4 : Imagining how best to pack up the office; Weld, 1996
5 : Sobs quietly when going to work; Romney, 2005-06

The DGAC meter has been largely quiet recently under a gathering layer of dust. Some whirring was heard when Patrick introduced a presidential debate in Washington DC for PBS, and increased as he continued to fly around the country campaigning for Barack Obama. Mild shaking was caused by plans for new "trade visits". Nevertheless, it was with displeasure that we heard a *beep* last week. The reading is as follows:

Governor insistence on casinos unabated. Renewed battle with nemesis counterindicates interest in job. Recent mentor victory indicates hope for promotion.

On the other hand, continued politicking: list of accomplishments and ongoing education initiative.

Fina analysis: Patrick Now Open to Possibilities

Currect DGAC reading: 1.4

--End Analysis--

1 comment:

noternie said...

I'm a Howard Stern fan. When he went to Sirius, he was given control of two channels. In their early days there, they used to joke that they had so many channels at Sirius in general that they could broadcast anything. They tried some funny stuff on Howard's second channel.

But when someone called in or suggested something that was a bad idea, they always said it would be good for the "Who gives a sh!+" channel.

I think they should have a channel like that on cable any day now.