Sunday, November 2, 2008

Satire: PA poll gives McCain 2 point lead

SUNBURY, PA -- Mikey's House of Polling announced the result of a presidential poll conducted on November 2nd from the hours of 11:45am to 12:36pm in the waiting area of car repair shop run by Mikey's brother Dave. The results are as follows:

If you were voting today in that election thing, who would you be voting for?

Analysis: Blue-collar voters appear to be swinging behind McCain, and the number of undecided voters remain large in this poll. McCain is nearing the 50% mark while Obama seems to have slipped in recent polling. While McCain voters include a large percentage of "persuadables", this trend appears to show McCain's investment in the Keystone State to be providing vast dividends.

Reaction was swift and immediate across the campaign, media, and online worlds.

In response to this poll, McCain spokesperson Michael Goldfarb sent out an immediate press release stating "this poll simply shows that the McCain/Palin/Plumber ticket is connecting with the morons who decide swing states through our campaign of lies and smears. As our desperation extends to everything short of physically assaulting Barack Obama, expect the numbers to continue to move in our favor. The large numbers of persuadables clearly show that Pennsylvania, Ohio, New Jersey, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Nova Scotia are within McCain's grasp." A high-level staffer mentioned that Phillip the Pipe-fitter, Jimmy the Window Washer, and Dave the Gainfully Unemployed will all be sent to an impromptu rally in the Sunbury area.

David Plouffe, meanwhile, in a conference call concluded five minutes ago stated "while we are confident in our campaign strategy, Senators Obama and Biden will continue to adjust to conditions on the ground, making sure that America will hear of our promises for hope, change, and magic ponies whenever they need to." Sources in the Obama campaign expected massive purchases of airtime, sidewalk space, and oxygen in the Sunbury area to counter the McCain surge. One high-level source in the Obama campaign confirmed that a droplet of sweat had fallen from the brow of strategist David Axelrod, the first time he has shown such concern since Sarah Palin's introduction as McCain's vice-presidential candidate.

Other pollsters widely diverged in reaction. John Zogby of Zogby International, stated "this confirms the findings of a poll I conducted a while ago, but not a more recent poll. So I will be deleting the more recent poll from my website. I'm glad that Mikey has confirmed what loyal customers of Zogby International have known for some time now: Pennsylvania is a functional tie." Rasmussen Reports, meanwhile, is rumored to have a poll in the field asking white soccer moms over 35 with 2 or more tattoos how trustworthy they feel Mikey's House of Polling is, and if they would be interested in a free sample of fabric softener.

The mainstream media reacted swiftly, with Wolf Blitzer anchoring an episode of "Situation Plane" from the CNN jet en route from Canton, Ohio to Sunbury. Local highways choked with medias vans as reporters scrambled for the best locations in front of the shed that houses Mikey's House of Polling and Dave's Miles of Smiles Car Repair.

Bloggers, meanwhile reacted just as swiftly in the online world. On Matt Drudge, the poll's results were posted prominently under the headline "Obama May As Well Go Back Home to Communist Arabistan" while Instapundit gleefully examined the internals:

Look at the female subgroup: 44% for Obama! With numbers that low, he doesn't stand a chance. And there's no way that he wins a full 100% of the African-American vote! Victory, baby!

Posting at and other liberal blogs devolved into a series of indecipherable wails. On the local, poster tblade merely commented "fdkjlfdjldaff!!!" Medical centers in coastal urban areas such as Berkley,CA, Cambridge,MA and Portland, OR already report a severe uptick in cardiac cases, as well as a number of self-induced physical trauma.

Lost in the hubbub is the voice of polling guru Nate Silver of . A recent post reads "This poll has a sample of 21 people! Twenty-one people! All waiting to have their car repaired! Look at the internals: 1 undecided, 10 for McCain, 9 for Obama. What the hell is wrong with all of you suckers? Looking at the 27 polls modeled on this website, Obama holds a significant, consistent lead, but some layabout at a car repair shop is going to make you crazy????!??"

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